See ya there soon!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I, Tarquin Churchwell, have been lying my head off about Scarlett again.
I will admit this much, she doesn't like me.
Did I make her cry last year? Sure. Did I try to drive her to suicide? You bet! I wrote so many vicious lies about Scarlett, she finally ended up in a hospital with fluid in her lungs.
I would send every woman to a hospital if I could!
On my hater blog, I am playing that recording of her voice again, the one I secretly made more than a year ago. I've played it on my blogs a gazillion times, even though she asked me to stop.
Sometimes I wonder WHY I am playing it. Fed up with my crazy lies after only three weeks of talking with me online, Scarlett basically says in the recording that I'm crazy and to f**k off. In the background, you can hear my odd cackle.
Playing this recording over and over is another example of my bully and stalker personality. I need to call my psychiatrist RIGHT NOW. Maybe he can throw me a life raft!!
Friday, November 23, 2007
Stuff I overheard at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade:
10. Watch out! Here comes that mad blogger!
9. So that's the jackass who made Scarlett cry.
7. Oh my God! Somebody just dropped a turkey on Christine Aguilera!
6. Inflate me.
5. That pothole is filled with delicious cranberry sauce!
4. Macy's sucks.
3. I'll take two hot dogs, Mr. Barnett.
2. That big purple-faced thing isn't a balloon -- it's Tarquin Churchwell!
1. That ain't stuffing.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Says that hate is blind
Still we're often told
"Seek and ye shall find"
So I'm going to seek
A certain dum dum I've had in mind.
Haven't found her yet;
She's the big harass
I have never met
Only dum dum I ever
Dream of and want to get!
I'd like to add her initials to my stalker list
Tell me, where is the stalker for this lost man?
There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that she
Turns out to be
Someone to stalk after me.
I'm a little cad who's lost in the hood
I know I could
Never be good
To one who'll stalk after me.
Although she may not be the dum dum some
Men think of as pretty
On my blogs she'll make me say "he he"
Won't you tell her please to put on some
Follow my lead-
Oh! How I need
Someone to stalk after me.
Administrator's note: "Someone To Watch Over Me" is no longer playing.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Sure, I'm an ass wipe, but is that ALL that I am? To find out, I decided to poll the fans. Here are the top ten things my fans said they like about me:
HAHAHAHAHA Gotcha, dummies!!!
Labels: popularity poll
Monday, November 19, 2007
8. "You ever done it in an ice cream freezer?"
7. "What, no machine gun today, Mr. Corleone?"
6. "If your slurpee tastes like boogers, they're mine."
1. "Want a footlong with mustard? Oh, I bet you do!"
Labels: overheard in the grocery store
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
10. A place of my own because the guards don't allow friends to sleep in my room
9. Book: "20 Things To Do To Yourself on New Year's Eve"
8. Another $5.00 gift certificate from my sister to McDonald's
7. Sugar-free Gummy Bears
6. The best gift anyone can get: an autographed picture of Britney Spears' crotch
5. It's not on the list, but how about some Pampers?
4. A Christmas tree covered in my blog posts
3. Frame for my "Internet Hater of the Year" award
2. Gift certificates for the male enhancement surgery I've read about on sex websites
1. Free lawyer to sue myself for this Top Ten List
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
10. The love of my new bride, Godzilla.
6. Starting January 1, my hate blogs will be podcast!
4. My new situation comedy, Two and a Half Men and Tarq.
1. My weight is finally down to 350!
Labels: giving thanks