Drowning in libel but burial at sea requires no embalming

Dear fans and dummies,

I, Tarquin Churchwell, have been lying my head off about Scarlett again.

I will admit this much, she doesn't like me.

Did I make her cry last year? Sure. Did I try to drive her to suicide? You bet! I wrote so many vicious lies about Scarlett, she finally ended up in a hospital with fluid in her lungs.

I would send every woman to a hospital if I could!

On my hater blog, I am playing that recording of her voice again, the one I secretly made more than a year ago. I've played it on my blogs a gazillion times, even though she asked me to stop.

Sometimes I wonder WHY I am playing it. Fed up with my crazy lies after only three weeks of talking with me online, Scarlett basically says in the recording that I'm crazy and to f**k off. In the background, you can hear my odd cackle.

Playing this recording over and over is another example of my bully and stalker personality. I need to call my psychiatrist RIGHT NOW. Maybe he can throw me a life raft!!

Glub, glub.

Overheard at the Macy's Parade

Stuff I overheard at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade:

10. Watch out! Here comes that mad blogger!

9. So that's the jackass who made Scarlett cry.

8. Okay, Bruce, now this time I'll be the Pilgrim and you be the Indian.

7. Oh my God! Somebody just dropped a turkey on Christine Aguilera!

6. Inflate me.

5. That pothole is filled with delicious cranberry sauce!

4. Macy's sucks.

3. I'll take two hot dogs, Mr. Barnett.

2. That big purple-faced thing isn't a balloon -- it's Tarquin Churchwell!

1. That ain't stuffing.

Hate, Inc.

Want to know how I, Tarquin Churchwell, spent my thank-LESS Thanksgiving? I spent the day gobbling hate, of course.

From me to you. Yes, you

Help Wanted: Stalker

"Someone To Stalk After Me"

There's a saying old
Says that hate is blind
Still we're often told
"Seek and ye shall find"
So I'm going to seek
A certain dum dum I've had in mind.

Looking everywhere
Haven't found her yet;
She's the big harass
I have never met
Only dum dum I ever
Dream of and want to get!

I'd like to add her initials to my stalker list
Tell me, where is the stalker for this lost man?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that she
Turns out to be
Someone to stalk after me.

I'm a little cad who's lost in the hood
I know I could
Never be good
To one who'll stalk after me.

Although she may not be the dum dum some
Men think of as pretty
On my blogs she'll make me say "he he"

Won't you tell her please to put on some
Speed-
Follow my lead-
Oh! How I need
Someone to stalk after me.

Administrator's note: "Someone To Watch Over Me" is no longer playing.

Being Me

You know what people have been saying about Tarquin Churchwell. For starters, they say I never tell the truth. They say I'm hostile. They say I used the murder of a woman with whom I was briefly involved for personal gain. They whine like saps that I get off on trashing women on the Internet.

Sure, I'm an ass wipe, but is that ALL that I am? To find out, I decided to poll the fans. Here are the top ten things my fans said they like about me:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

HAHAHAHAHA Gotcha, dummies!!!

A Whole Lotta Yapping into the Void

And this is where it all happens, fans. The room, the foot, the computers that carry my hate directly from my brain to the Internet. This is command central.

Top TenThings I Don't Want to Hear

My grocery store is in a rough neighborhood. When I, Tarquin Churchwell, have to shop, these are ten things I don't want to hear:

10. "One Diet Coke, bag of chips -- $39.99."

9. "If you're here for the crack dealer training film, it's in the back."

8. "You ever done it in an ice cream freezer?"

7. "What, no machine gun today, Mr. Corleone?"

6. "If your slurpee tastes like boogers, they're mine."

5. "You got a minute to talk about stalking?"

4. "I'm charging you an extra buck because I don't like your hat."

3. "The death vibe in here is sizzling."

2. "Remember me? I'm the disgraced building manager you drove to a mental breakdown -- Eddie Barnett."

1. "Want a footlong with mustard? Oh, I bet you do!"

Thanksgiving Tip No. 28

Don't call the Butterball hot line this year, you may get a moron.

What Are You Wearing Today?

I look good in hats. This is my new Pilgrim hat. Anyone touches it, I'm gonna shove a cornucopia right up your ass.

Shameful, Simply Shameful

I've been lying again. The truth is, Susan and Scarlett have never met. The picture I posted on my other blog is a picture of Susan and her mother. I copied it from Susan's blog.

Partially Nude

Goofing off with my dietitian

A Word from the Founding Fathers

It is my right as an American to stand by the subway and give passersby the finger.

Top Ten Items on Tarquin Churchwell's Wishlist

Here are the top ten Items on my holiday wishlist:

10. A place of my own because the guards don't allow friends to sleep in my room

9. Book: "20 Things To Do To Yourself on New Year's Eve"

8. Another $5.00 gift certificate from my sister to McDonald's

7. Sugar-free Gummy Bears

6. The best gift anyone can get: an autographed picture of Britney Spears' crotch

5. It's not on the list, but how about some Pampers?

4. A Christmas tree covered in my blog posts

3. Frame for my "Internet Hater of the Year" award

2. Gift certificates for the male enhancement surgery I've read about on sex websites

1. Free lawyer to sue myself for this Top Ten List

Stuff It

PRWeb: for Immediate Release

I've just been named one of People magazine's "50 Creepiest Men Alive!"

Thanksgiving Tip No. 21

Tired of turkey? Roast a raccoon.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Top Ten Things Tarquin is Thankful for

Last night I made a list. Here are the Top Ten Things I, Tarquin Churchwell, am thankful for:

10. The love of my new bride, Godzilla.

9. Brisk sales of the new "Date & Hate Tarq" action toy.

8. The six most beautiful words in the English language: "All you can eat at Denny's!"

7. The great health care system of the USA and her hard-working Social Security Administration.

6. Starting January 1, my hate blogs will be podcast!

5. The SUS inmate who finally told me that when I ask for AA batteries at the store, I shouldn't call them "aaah" batteries.

4. My new situation comedy, Two and a Half Men and Tarq.

3. My new Blogopoly game, shipped to your door in a plain, brown paper wrapper.

2. When I call hot babes on Internet porn sites, they can't see the green stuff growing out of my shorts.

1. My weight is finally down to 350!

Gobble, Gobble

Welcome, fans, to Tarquin Churchwell's annual Thanksgiving blog! Enjoy yourselves and don't be shy about leaving comments!