Monday, November 19, 2007

Top TenThings I Don't Want to Hear

My grocery store is in a rough neighborhood. When I, Tarquin Churchwell, have to shop, these are ten things I don't want to hear:

10. "One Diet Coke, bag of chips -- $39.99."

9. "If you're here for the crack dealer training film, it's in the back."

8. "You ever done it in an ice cream freezer?"

7. "What, no machine gun today, Mr. Corleone?"

6. "If your slurpee tastes like boogers, they're mine."

5. "You got a minute to talk about stalking?"

4. "I'm charging you an extra buck because I don't like your hat."

3. "The death vibe in here is sizzling."

2. "Remember me? I'm the disgraced building manager you drove to a mental breakdown -- Eddie Barnett."

1. "Want a footlong with mustard? Oh, I bet you do!"

Thanksgiving Tip No. 28

Don't call the Butterball hot line this year, you may get a moron.