What Are You Wearing Today?

I look good in hats. This is my new Pilgrim hat. Anyone touches it, I'm gonna shove a cornucopia right up your ass.

Shameful, Simply Shameful

I've been lying again. The truth is, Susan and Scarlett have never met. The picture I posted on my other blog is a picture of Susan and her mother. I copied it from Susan's blog.

Partially Nude

Goofing off with my dietitian

A Word from the Founding Fathers

It is my right as an American to stand by the subway and give passersby the finger.

Top Ten Items on Tarquin Churchwell's Wishlist

Here are the top ten Items on my holiday wishlist:

10. A place of my own because the guards don't allow friends to sleep in my room

9. Book: "20 Things To Do To Yourself on New Year's Eve"

8. Another $5.00 gift certificate from my sister to McDonald's

7. Sugar-free Gummy Bears

6. The best gift anyone can get: an autographed picture of Britney Spears' crotch

5. It's not on the list, but how about some Pampers?

4. A Christmas tree covered in my blog posts

3. Frame for my "Internet Hater of the Year" award

2. Gift certificates for the male enhancement surgery I've read about on sex websites

1. Free lawyer to sue myself for this Top Ten List

Stuff It

PRWeb: for Immediate Release

I've just been named one of People magazine's "50 Creepiest Men Alive!"

Thanksgiving Tip No. 21

Tired of turkey? Roast a raccoon.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Top Ten Things Tarquin is Thankful for

Last night I made a list. Here are the Top Ten Things I, Tarquin Churchwell, am thankful for:

10. The love of my new bride, Godzilla.

9. Brisk sales of the new "Date & Hate Tarq" action toy.

8. The six most beautiful words in the English language: "All you can eat at Denny's!"

7. The great health care system of the USA and her hard-working Social Security Administration.

6. Starting January 1, my hate blogs will be podcast!

5. The SUS inmate who finally told me that when I ask for AA batteries at the store, I shouldn't call them "aaah" batteries.

4. My new situation comedy, Two and a Half Men and Tarq.

3. My new Blogopoly game, shipped to your door in a plain, brown paper wrapper.

2. When I call hot babes on Internet porn sites, they can't see the green stuff growing out of my shorts.

1. My weight is finally down to 350!

Gobble, Gobble

Welcome, fans, to Tarquin Churchwell's annual Thanksgiving blog! Enjoy yourselves and don't be shy about leaving comments!