Monday, September 1, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Hood Ornament
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: high anxiety
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
I Want To S-s-s-teal Your Blog Posts!!!
I steal other people's blogs, so LOOK OUT!
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: blog thief
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
THE SEXERGATE PAPERS ARE ON THE WEB!
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: Sexergate Papers link
Sunday, March 16, 2008
How I Stopped Pulling My Pud and Got a New Blog
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Labels: Breaking News blog link, Penthouse parody
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
I Won! I Won!
Ya gotta love it. This was yesterday's top story in the NY Post:
"Internet blogger Tarquin Churchwell was named World's Biggest Liar in the 2008 Annual Lying Championship. Tarquin won the hundred-year-old contest in Queens, after telling the unlikely tale that he was "passing gas" one day and caused a hole in the ozone layer. The judges - who included many bloggers and New York Mayor Bloomberg - awarded the title last year to a woman who lived upstate.
The prize was a decorative mug with the words "Liar! Liar!" printed in red."
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: liar contest, world's biggest liar
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Let's Have Phone Sex with Tin Cans and a String
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: phone sex bill
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Tarquin Churchwell Has a Xmas Blog!
See ya there soon!
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: Reindeer Droppings blog link
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Drowning in libel but burial at sea requires no embalming
I, Tarquin Churchwell, have been lying my head off about Scarlett again.
I will admit this much, she doesn't like me.
Did I make her cry last year? Sure. Did I try to drive her to suicide? You bet! I wrote so many vicious lies about Scarlett, she finally ended up in a hospital with fluid in her lungs.
I would send every woman to a hospital if I could!
On my hater blog, I am playing that recording of her voice again, the one I secretly made more than a year ago. I've played it on my blogs a gazillion times, even though she asked me to stop.
Sometimes I wonder WHY I am playing it. Fed up with my crazy lies after only three weeks of talking with me online, Scarlett basically says in the recording that I'm crazy and to f**k off. In the background, you can hear my odd cackle.
Playing this recording over and over is another example of my bully and stalker personality. I need to call my psychiatrist RIGHT NOW. Maybe he can throw me a life raft!!
Glub, glub.
Posted by About Me 4 comments
Labels: drowning in libel, exploiter of women, Scarlett
Friday, November 23, 2007
Overheard at the Macy's Parade
Stuff I overheard at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade:
10. Watch out! Here comes that mad blogger!
9. So that's the jackass who made Scarlett cry.
7. Oh my God! Somebody just dropped a turkey on Christine Aguilera!
6. Inflate me.
5. That pothole is filled with delicious cranberry sauce!
4. Macy's sucks.
3. I'll take two hot dogs, Mr. Barnett.
2. That big purple-faced thing isn't a balloon -- it's Tarquin Churchwell!
1. That ain't stuffing.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Hate, Inc.
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: How I spent my Thanksgiving
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
"Someone To Stalk After Me"
Says that hate is blind
Still we're often told
"Seek and ye shall find"
So I'm going to seek
A certain dum dum I've had in mind.
Looking everywhere
Haven't found her yet;
She's the big harass
I have never met
Only dum dum I ever
Dream of and want to get!
I'd like to add her initials to my stalker list
Tell me, where is the stalker for this lost man?
There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that she
Turns out to be
Someone to stalk after me.
I'm a little cad who's lost in the hood
I know I could
Never be good
To one who'll stalk after me.
Although she may not be the dum dum some
Men think of as pretty
On my blogs she'll make me say "he he"
Won't you tell her please to put on some
Speed-
Follow my lead-
Oh! How I need
Someone to stalk after me.
Administrator's note: "Someone To Watch Over Me" is no longer playing.
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Being Me
Sure, I'm an ass wipe, but is that ALL that I am? To find out, I decided to poll the fans. Here are the top ten things my fans said they like about me:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
HAHAHAHAHA Gotcha, dummies!!!
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: popularity poll
Monday, November 19, 2007
Top TenThings I Don't Want to Hear
8. "You ever done it in an ice cream freezer?"
7. "What, no machine gun today, Mr. Corleone?"
6. "If your slurpee tastes like boogers, they're mine."
1. "Want a footlong with mustard? Oh, I bet you do!"
Posted by About Me 5 comments
Labels: overheard in the grocery store
Thanksgiving Tip No. 28
Don't call the Butterball hot line this year, you may get a moron.
Posted by About Me 1 comments
Labels: Butterball Hot Line, Thanksgiving tip
Sunday, November 18, 2007
What Are You Wearing Today?
Posted by About Me 1 comments
Labels: Thanksgiving hat
Shameful, Simply Shameful
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: shameful
Saturday, November 17, 2007
A Word from the Founding Fathers
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Top Ten Items on Tarquin Churchwell's Wishlist
10. A place of my own because the guards don't allow friends to sleep in my room
9. Book: "20 Things To Do To Yourself on New Year's Eve"
8. Another $5.00 gift certificate from my sister to McDonald's
7. Sugar-free Gummy Bears
6. The best gift anyone can get: an autographed picture of Britney Spears' crotch
5. It's not on the list, but how about some Pampers?
4. A Christmas tree covered in my blog posts
3. Frame for my "Internet Hater of the Year" award
2. Gift certificates for the male enhancement surgery I've read about on sex websites
1. Free lawyer to sue myself for this Top Ten List
Posted by About Me 1 comments
Labels: Britney Spears, McDonald's, Pampers, wishlist
Friday, November 16, 2007
PRWeb: for Immediate Release
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: Creepiest Man Alive
Thanksgiving Tip No. 21
Tired of turkey? Roast a raccoon.
Posted by About Me 2 comments
Labels: Thanksgiving tip
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Top Ten Things Tarquin is Thankful for
10. The love of my new bride, Godzilla.
6. Starting January 1, my hate blogs will be podcast!
4. My new situation comedy, Two and a Half Men and Tarq.
1. My weight is finally down to 350!
Posted by About Me 0 comments
Labels: giving thanks
Gobble, Gobble
Posted by About Me 4 comments